It's 3AM right now, and it's been a very long day for me.
I had a speech that I prepared crazily for, which added stress on top of stress. Lately, it feels like things just hate me now, job, friends, parents, girl, everything. Lately, I've felt hopeless and lost. I hate that feeling. I had this feeling back in 7th grade when my counselor actually diagnosed me with depression. I feel like I'm at a low.
I don't know what it may be, but most likely a compilation of everything that has just been thrown at my face in a matter of days. But to hit this low again is making me feel the days are getting longer. I feel I need a break from everything. School, WORK, life. I miss those days when I was 12, the care-free years. Care-free, all I worried about was getting home by my curfew and eating with my family. Eating and spending time with people I love. I should be enjoying my life more.. particularly these few years. But I feel the responsibility of being a college student. And I feel I must provide what I can to fulfill that idea.
I'm glad people can enjoy their lives the way they do, particularly students. I seem to budget fun and relaxation on one night of the week, and need rest for the others.
While I'm here posting stuff about how I see life, let me just dive into a bit of philosophy I've been cooking up. Thinking about how life is, how it may or may not be enjoyable, is all entirely based on our opinion on death. Inside all of us, we may have some sort of fear of death. I myself, I think about death not as a completely horrible thing, but something that shapes who I am, and justifies my actions in life. I feel a sense of neglect if I go out, disobey and disappoint my parents, drink and drive, don't do my homework. To me, life is not a circle, but a story that ends the same way, everytime. But why do I force myself to be a monk when I feel I don't enjoy my sense of accomplishments? I don't want to die unnoticed. I don't want to pass being a person who meant nothing, even though death and forgetting is inevitable. Life only snowballs responsibilities as we get older and I feel I should already take charge of what is tumbling towards me. So the real answer to the meaning of life, is really the answer to the meaning of death.
I'm scared of it, sure. But I guess I can relay my actions back to my philosophy.
This has got to me the most depressing fucking post I've ever concocted, shit.
Last words, I don't know when I'll see my boy Ray again, but I gotta say, it's been a fun run from french in high school bro. Pretty much adults now, we know how to take care of ourselves.
Until next time bro, be safe.
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2 comments:
its ok babe. I'll soon be there to make it all better. I think you just need a getaway like me...or with me. oops. no homo.
It's ok man this feeling will eventually pass. Sometimes things just get stressful.
I felt this same way for a while too. I just realized that I was always looking towards the future. living for the next day and anticipating certain events. I was waiting for things I would soon get, and places I would soon be. I never really appreciated the moment I was currently in but looking ahead. This made me feel like I was constantly missing something.
Basically I thought of each day as an obstacle I had to overcome to be somewhere else. Now I changed my frame of mind and enjoy each day more since I'm not always trying to be where I am not.
Iono what you're feeling bro but just kinda figured out what was making me feel down and wanted to share how I changed my mindset and made it a little better.
haha anyways yehh.. had to bounce walgreens without saying gbye cause I was running late for work and had to drop my sis's gf off haha. well hit me up we haven't kicked it in a while.
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